I met someone this weekend who challenged me to speak bigger, questioning me on my (very repetitive) use of the word nice. Seemingly small, his one line sent sweetly, honestly, directly to my heart helped me realize how much more there is to explore when it comes to putting words to sensation and how often we tend to repeat the same ones in order to express in safety.
In our conversation that followed a few days later, I found myself reusing a new same word, beautiful, in an effort to express the magnitude of feelings a film created. “Just so beautiful,” was all I could find myself saying even as a swell of emotions surged within me. Here I was, full of feeling and all I could release was beautiful. Then it struck, I realized there was something bigger here. What was it that I was afraid to express? The thing that I instead covered with repetitive words, which only held claim to a minute portion of what was being truly experienced? It felt remarkably akin to my fear of being too seen and being “too much” in the seeing of me.
Because my truth is that the feelings, ideas, sensations that well up in me are full of fantasy, deep as the oceans of this planet I love so dearly, reach up into the ethers like the branches of sycamore and sequoia. My connection with the world and with creation goes wide, wraps ‘round and ‘round and ‘round before bursting out into infinity. Little intimacies make me feel expansive, like the light flitting across a sparkle on someones face or the way my skin tingles when a kiss is pressed lovingly upon my neck. I’m filled with ecstasy when I hear a blue jay call out from up in the trees and my soul becomes exalted when I look and look and look and then ah! I’ve found the sweet source of the sound.
I enjoy the spans of time when I live my life like a poem, sweet moments lighting upon the tongue of my life, letting the juice of its ripeness drip down my chin, land, lovingly, upon my breast. This brings me joy unbounded; catching magical seconds of life the way a joyous one catches bright white snowflakes upon outstretched tongue, eyes glowing with the sweetness of sipping up crystallized water floating out of the sky. This is the way my heart, mind, soul works.
Upon sharing thought with this new arrival —who, in a matter of days sparked golden, glittering flames in my heart— I realized for the first time a fear I didn’t know was there. I have always thought like poetry but self-consciously worried that if I spoke like poetry I would be found ridiculous. I worried that if I expressed too fully, too intimately, or sensually or honestly that everyone around me would run for the hills and there I would be, standing alone, mouth pouring out poems for only the air to hear.
Although I am fully convinced the air would still enjoy it, I see now that I want my lover to enjoy it, too. I want my friends and my family, any of those drawn near to hear me and know that this is the truth of the world I live. That within me magic swirls in every moment and there is always something beautiful to be found. This man challenged me with direct intentionality and made my heart begin to pound, pound, pound. He knocked on a door kept closed for fear alone and my whole body trembled as it opened, but it was beautiful because in that very moment everything became new.
So now here I am, questioning what it looks like, feels like, moves like, to speak a life far bigger than fear. To speak pleasurable liberation for any and all to hear. And for you, what do the truths of your sensations feel like? What do they sound like? What do they taste like? What within you is longing to be expressed? This inner reckoning is an act of pleasure all its own; a freeing of self, seeing our fears and moving through them to place of joyous liberation.
Are you afraid of being seen? If you are, then speak bigger and let the world who sees you be drawn in nearer.