Self-Love in the Time of COVID-19 (On Doubt)

Doubt plays many tricks upon our mind, within our hearts. It encourages smallness, asks of us not all that we have but to grip harder on all that we fear to give. It says, “be small, it is easier. They don’t care to hear you/see you/know you anyway.” But doubt, much like fear, is a liar. If it had its way, there would be no greats, no one to inspire the next generations; there would be no marvels of creation or wonders of the human world. If every creator allowed themselves to succumb to the dreadful whispers of the doubtful mind, our world would be a much less marvelous place.

I say this because I have lived years in doubt, years in diminishing my own voice. In this, I am sure I am not alone. “Who wants to hear you, anyway?”, snarls the inner demon of our souls. “Don’t be ridiculous, leave the people alone.” And yet the heart-voice within continues to call, to speak, to whisper, to yell. Garnering and gathering all it can to grasp our attention. And yet, even within the swells of my own doubt ideas spurt from my soul, riding my pen into physical creation. Shared or not, they came out calling all the same. 

Now here I am, sitting on the porch of my childhood home, having made an exodus from my tiny Brooklyn apartment to gain space in this COVID quarantine and I can’t help but wonder, “what now, what next?” If anything has been made clear in these uncertain times of global pandemic it is that we don’t know what we can’t see, but now is a really good time to find out. 

I learned these past few weeks that I love space and earth and peace and grace. I like lots of people, but mainly from afar. I love the chitter and chatter of birds and bees far more than the buzz of electricity. Fresh air and ample sun feed me more than easy access to humanity. I don’t entirely wish to remain for long in my homeland but I don’t entirely yearn to go back to New York, either (although the snippets of life I see on IG make me question my questioning). I want space to grow a garden and do yoga in the sun. I like the relative quiet of places slightly removed, the ability to access things with ease but not the need to be on top of them. 

So, within all the doubts and questions on questioning, I am calling out to creation for clarity on where to go and what to do next. Is this back to New York or to a whole new location? Where is it that my soul is calling me towards? I feel close to understanding and yet I can tell that there is more to be until it is made clear to me. And so I will continue to do things that make me feel good until this next step is something I can easily see. Because if I know one thing for certain, it is the more I trust my self, my voice and my process the better it turns out to be.

The guidance is always there, it is up to us to follow willingly.

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