Self-Love in the Time of COVID-19 (On Doubt)

Doubt plays many tricks upon our mind, within our hearts. It encourages smallness, asks of us not all that we have but to grip harder on all that we fear to give. It says, “be small, it is easier. They don’t care to hear you/see you/know you anyway.” But doubt, much like fear, is a liar. If it had its way, there would be no greats, no one to inspire the next generations; there would be no marvels of creation or wonders of the human world. If every creator allowed themselves to succumb to the dreadful whispers of the doubtful mind, our world would be a much less marvelous place.

I say this because I have lived years in doubt, years in diminishing my own voice. In this, I am sure I am not alone. “Who wants to hear you, anyway?”, snarls the inner demon of our souls. “Don’t be ridiculous, leave the people alone.” And yet the heart-voice within continues to call, to speak, to whisper, to yell. Garnering and gathering all it can to grasp our attention. And yet, even within the swells of my own doubt ideas spurt from my soul, riding my pen into physical creation. Shared or not, they came out calling all the same. 

Now here I am, sitting on the porch of my childhood home, having made an exodus from my tiny Brooklyn apartment to gain space in this COVID quarantine and I can’t help but wonder, “what now, what next?” If anything has been made clear in these uncertain times of global pandemic it is that we don’t know what we can’t see, but now is a really good time to find out. 

I learned these past few weeks that I love space and earth and peace and grace. I like lots of people, but mainly from afar. I love the chitter and chatter of birds and bees far more than the buzz of electricity. Fresh air and ample sun feed me more than easy access to humanity. I don’t entirely wish to remain for long in my homeland but I don’t entirely yearn to go back to New York, either (although the snippets of life I see on IG make me question my questioning). I want space to grow a garden and do yoga in the sun. I like the relative quiet of places slightly removed, the ability to access things with ease but not the need to be on top of them. 

So, within all the doubts and questions on questioning, I am calling out to creation for clarity on where to go and what to do next. Is this back to New York or to a whole new location? Where is it that my soul is calling me towards? I feel close to understanding and yet I can tell that there is more to be until it is made clear to me. And so I will continue to do things that make me feel good until this next step is something I can easily see. Because if I know one thing for certain, it is the more I trust my self, my voice and my process the better it turns out to be.

The guidance is always there, it is up to us to follow willingly.

Lean Into Self: Resources for COVID-19 Wellbeing

Spaciousness and community care support strategic thinking and wise action.”

Some call it distance, but I quite prefer spaciousness. Distance feels, well distancing. It feels scary, as if I need to stay away from you for fear of our mutual danger. While spaciousness –allowing for space– feels warm, human, understanding; that we are giving one another space to encourage life, not fear.

With social-spaciousness we have the room to be ourselves and tend to our needs all while consciously caring for the health and wellness of others.

Although we live in a society that has done its best to limit our connection to Self or our ability to sit in stillness, this is exactly what this moment calls for. Now is the perfect time to set in motion a deep and lasting connection with our inner world. Through meditation, movement, writing, and compassionate creativity we can grow ourselves and protect our communities.


💖In this post I have listed some resources for COVID-19 social-spaciousness. I will continue to update it as I find more.💖

💌 Feel free to send along any that you find particularly helpful.

Thank you for being who are you and thank you for helping heal our world.


Resources to encourage wellbeing of spirit, mind, body, and soul during this time of the ages:

Mediations & Meditation Resources:

For Health & Immunity:

Online Workouts:

Soothing Sounds:

Community Connection:

Self-Care Actions:

  • Cook a yummy meal
  • Read this perfect post by my friend, Christine (that’s not tl:dr)
  • Start a new book (or finish that one you’ve been wanting to finish)
  • Write anything
    • Just let it out
  • Exercise
  • Go for a walk
  • Sit in the sun
  • Open the windows and feel fresh air
  • Take a soothing shower or bath
    • Adding epsom salts or lighting candles, incense or sage make it even lovlier
  • Play music that makes you feel good
  • Call or facetime peolple you love
  • Cry as much as you feel like
  • Sit and focus on your breath, deep breaths in and out until you feel yourself relax
  • Start that new creative project (pinterest has got you covered)
  • Play a board game (or single-player games like Solitare or Banagrams)

Are You Afraid of Being Seen? Speak Bigger.

I met someone this weekend who challenged me to speak bigger, questioning me on my (very repetitive) use of the word nice. Seemingly small, his one line sent sweetly, honestly, directly to my heart helped me realize how much more there is to explore when it comes to putting words to sensation and how often we tend to repeat the same ones in order to express in safety.

In our conversation that followed a few days later, I found myself reusing a new same word, beautiful, in an effort to express the magnitude of feelings a film created. “Just so beautiful,” was all I could find myself saying even as a swell of emotions surged within me. Here I was, full of feeling and all I could release was beautiful. Then it struck, I realized there was something bigger here. What was it that I was afraid to express? The thing that I instead covered with repetitive words, which only held claim to a minute portion of what was being truly experienced? It felt remarkably akin to my fear of being too seen and being “too much” in the seeing of me. 

Because my truth is that the feelings, ideas, sensations that well up in me are full of fantasy, deep as the oceans of this planet I love so dearly, reach up into the ethers like the branches of sycamore and sequoia.  My connection with the world and with creation goes wide, wraps ‘round and ‘round and ‘round before bursting out into infinity. Little intimacies make me feel expansive, like the light flitting across a sparkle on someones face or the way my skin tingles when a kiss is pressed lovingly upon my neck. I’m filled with ecstasy when I hear a blue jay call out from up in the trees and my soul becomes exalted when I look and look and look and then ah! I’ve found the sweet source of the sound. 

I enjoy the spans of time when I live my life like a poem, sweet moments lighting upon the tongue of my life, letting the juice of its ripeness drip down my chin, land, lovingly, upon my breast. This brings me joy unbounded; catching magical seconds of life the way a joyous one catches bright white snowflakes upon outstretched tongue, eyes glowing with the sweetness of sipping up crystallized water floating out of the sky. This is the way my heart, mind, soul works.

Upon sharing thought with this new arrival —who, in a matter of days sparked golden, glittering flames in my heart— I realized for the first time a fear I didn’t know was there. I have always thought like poetry but self-consciously worried that if I spoke like poetry I would be found ridiculous. I worried that if I expressed too fully, too intimately, or sensually or honestly that everyone around me would run for the hills and there I would be, standing alone, mouth pouring out poems for only the air to hear. 

Although I am fully convinced the air would still enjoy it, I see now that I want my lover to enjoy it, too. I want my friends and my family, any of those drawn near to hear me and know that this is the truth of the world I live. That within me magic swirls in every moment and there is always something beautiful to be found. This man challenged me with direct intentionality and made my heart begin to pound, pound, pound. He knocked on a door kept closed for fear alone and my whole body trembled as it opened, but it was beautiful because in that very moment everything became new. 

So now here I am, questioning what it looks like, feels like, moves like, to speak a life far bigger than fear. To speak pleasurable liberation for any and all to hear. And for you, what do the truths of your sensations feel like? What do they sound like? What do they taste like? What within you is longing to be expressed? This inner reckoning is an act of pleasure all its own; a freeing of self, seeing our fears and moving through them to place of joyous liberation.

Are you afraid of being seen? If you are, then speak bigger and let the world who sees you be drawn in nearer.